


Cold Waters

by thelovelylunareclipse



Series: Poetry for Paladins [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Gen, I may be projecting a little, Langst, Minor Spoilers for Season 2, Plot What Plot, Poetry, This is a poem that was based off langstville, but they're not actually present yet, takes place before blade of marmora, there are mentions of pidge and shiro, they'll show up, what even is a plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-05 06:17:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10299461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelovelylunareclipse/pseuds/thelovelylunareclipse
Summary: A poem inspired by Lance's inner turmoil in season two (and also the Langst tag on tumblr)---Ebb and flowPush and pullBack and forth, forth and downDown until the sinking stopsUntil the sinking stopsBut the sinking never stops.





	1. Sinking

**Author's Note:**

> Me: I love Lance!! let my boy be happy!!!!!  
> Also Me: *writes about his suffering*
> 
> So confession, I write more poetry and original stuff than I do fanfic. In other words, I have a lot of writing in my files that's never been posted or shared anywhere.  
> I've been wanting to do something for Voltron for a little bit now, but whatever fic I wrote I never saw through... which is why I decided to try something a little different.  
> This poem is heavily inspired/based off Lance's self doubts and the rabbit hole that are headcanons in the langst tumblr tag. As such, it stands alone as an independent poem, but in the context of Lance's insecurity it also works as a fan poem.
> 
> Right now, I'm planning on writing a little add-on to this poem which will be more like traditional (can I call it that?) fanfic in the form of a 2nd chapter, but I don't know if anyone would want that. Also, I'm just coming out of a writer's block so pls no pressure ;-;
> 
> Anyway, here's the poem!

Ebb and flow  
Push and pull  
Back and forth, forth and down  
Down until the sinking stops  
Until the sinking stops  
_But the sinking never stops._  
  
Ebb and flow, push and pull  
Moonlight will drag in endless lull  
The seas swim with those thoughts of sinking  
And the sinking doesn't stop.  
  
Push and pull, scream your nothings  
Keep afloat, find your anchor  
Swim helplessly, Sink endlessly  
  
Ebb and flow, sink the anchor  
Free your anchor, Lose your Anchor  
And Open Seas await you  
  
Sink,  
Or swim.  
  
Open seas of nothing.  
_You_ are nothing.  
Flow forward like water, with no shape,  
No definition.  
  
Swim,  
Or Drown.  
  
Swim in these tormented seas  
Vast oceans of nothing, mirrors of you.  
Thunderous thoughts will lack mercy  
Do not let them be open.  
  
Drown in it. Hate it.  
Hate your nothings as you scream them  
Push, push, ****_push.  
_ And never feel their pull.

Attempt the swim.

  
Swim or Sink, Sink and Drown  
And the sinking never stops.  
(And your drowning never comes)  
  
They breathe, they laugh  
Thunderous laughter, crashing waves  
Push and pull in an infinite circle,  
But never pull you.

  
Let a swimmer attempt to swim  
Knowing it's pointless.  
_Their laughter was not meant for him._  
  
A Family of Six forgets the Seventh  
Seven seas of Old forgotten  
  
Blue oceans, blue seas  
_Blue Nothings_  
Ebb and push  
Pull and flow  
  
Do **_not_ ** let this sea become open for others.  
There is no anchor here,  
There is no boat.  
Only you.  
~~(And you are nothing)~~  
  
Ebb and Flow  
Push and Pull  
Back and Forth  
Endlessly.  
  
The Depths of your despair await  
For you to sink down

 ~~ _(they wait for you to sink and drown)_~~  
  
Down until the sinking stops,  
Until the sinking stops.

.

.

.  
But the sinking _never_ stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do I do this to my son... I want him to be happy... I promise.......
> 
> Let me know if you guys want the add-on I was talking about!


	2. Drowning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stars always made him feel closer to home, but now only reminded him he was anywhere but. He didn’t know what he was expecting, really. There was no way he would see Aquarius, or Pisces, or Hercules out here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you probably guessed by the title and description, this is the angsty chapter
> 
> 1st: I'M SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER .･ﾟﾟ･(／ω＼)･ﾟﾟ･.  
> I've been writing rewriting, deleting, and re-imagining the parts of this chapter, and trying my best to keep it realistic and in character. Ultimately you guys are the judge of that though, so some feedback on that would be very much appreciated :)  
> 2nd: I've decided to write up a 3rd chapter, cause this turned out a little longer than I thought it would be. Also because I couldn't not give my boy a happy ending. Unfortunately the wait for chapter 3 will be longer, as I'm taking a vacation next week and my writing time is getting cut down a bunch. But it's definitely coming!  
> 3rd: I wanted to thank you guys so much for the compliments I received on the poem in chapter 1! That meant the world to me, I've never gotten such positive feedback on my poetry before so thank you thank you thank you for boosting my confidence up to 100
> 
> Now without further ado, I give you 5194 words of plotless angst ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

 

_“Watch, Lance. The moon makes the tide rise higher. It always pushes and pulls the water with every orbit it makes around the Earth. Isn’t that cool?”_

\---

Lance was an emotional guy, and that wasn’t a secret. Every member of Team Voltron knew Lance was someone who felt things deeply.

Something that _was_ lesser known was that Lance had depression.

 

Hunk, who had been friends with Lance for longer than everyone else, knew this after Lance experienced a particularly difficult dip. Pidge eventually figured it out while the three of them were still at the Garrison. Lance knew for a fact that Blue knew too - after all, she connected with him through his mind. Of course she would notice the damage that existed there.

Still, even though Blue knew from the beginning that Lance wasn’t a perfectly healthy person in the mental department, she chose him to be her paladin. He would always be comforted by this fact, that Blue had 10,000 years to choose someone who was better than him, but still chose _him_. With his lion, Lance felt the lightest he’d felt in a little while.

However, even Blue’s support couldn’t keep the darkness away forever. He should’ve known.

 

\---

**Ebb and flow, push and pull**

**Moonlight will drag in endless lull**

\---

 

Lance watched the stars above him from one of the many observatory decks in the castle. It wasn’t a comforting sight - they were the wrong stars, the wrong constellations. If there was nothing else he could have, at least seeing the constellations he loved as a kid would be nice. He thought back to those days in Cuba, with his parents and older siblings while he learned to look after his three younger siblings.

The boy was 8 at the time - his older brother would take him and Lance’s older sister to sit on the rooftop of their house and stargaze. They lived close to the coastline, and Lance remembered being drawn to the tide.

 

> “ _How does the moon make the tide bigger?” he asked._
> 
> _His brother smiled down to him, ruffled his hair. “The moon spins in circles around Earth, Lance. It has a gravitational pull that the water is drawn to, which makes the water move. At night the tide comes up higher because the moon is out” he explained._
> 
> _“Oh,” Lance said simply, and their sister giggled. He was about to look back to the stars when he didn’t quite get something. “Hey, Andres?”_
> 
> _His brother hummed._
> 
> _“What does grafitational mean?”_
> 
> _Both his siblings’ laughter rang through the night._

Lance smiled. His older brother Andres and older sister Isa were always teaching him about the constellations. Sitting on the rooftop, gazing at the sky and the sea, Lance fell in love with the cosmos.

 

> _“Look, Lance! There’s Aquarius!”_
> 
> _Lance tilted his head, partially to see the constellation better, but mostly out of confusion. “What’s special about Aquarius?”_
> 
> _“Isa’s an Aquarius! Right, Isa?”_
> 
> _Isa turned to face them and nodded quickly._
> 
> _“Wow,” Lance breathed, then pointed to a random cluster of stars. “What’s that one?”_
> 
> _His brother smiled. “That’s part of Hercules”_
> 
> _“Are you a Hercules?”_
> 
> _A chuckle. “No, buddy. I’m a Pisces”_
> 
> _“Where’s Pisces?”_
> 
> _Andres looked around, gaze focused until he found it. “Over there,” he pointed, smiling._
> 
> _Lance followed the hand, but didn’t see Pisces. “Where?” he asked. Andres outlined it for him, and once Lance finally saw it he let out a simple “oh”._
> 
> _And again, Isa giggled._

His brother was the eldest child in their family, and though he was 8 years older than Lance, they were always close. Andres left home when Lance was 12, leaving Isa as head sibling of the house with a promise to visit every year.

 

> _“When are you coming back this year?”_
> 
> _“Around Christmas or New Years. I’m not really sure” Andres answered._
> 
> _“Will you call home?”_
> 
> _“I’ll try”_
> 
> _Silence stretched between them, and Lance had_ so _many things to say, to ask, but found he couldn’t pull up the nerve to do so. Andres placed a hand on Lance’s shoulder, and Lance realized he’d been staring at his feet. Unable to stop himself he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his brother. “I’m gonna miss you,” he said, the sound coming muffled._
> 
> _Andres hugged him back. “I’ll miss you too, little bro”_
> 
> _“What are we supposed to do now with you gone?”_
> 
> _There was a pause, and Lance pulled back to gauge Andres’ face. Andres quirked a brow as he gave a sheepish smile. “You and Isa could always stargaze? Show Diana, Diego and Gaby the constellations?”_
> 
> _Lance scoffed. “Yeah, like I know them as well as you do”_
> 
> _Andres nudged him. “I said Isa would be there, didn’t I?”_

Andres left two days after.

_One day,_ Lance thought, _I’ll know every constellation like you do._

 

And he did. By the time he got into the Garrison he’d already known a good 3/4 of the night sky. He took comfort in the fact that when he looked up, 8 times out of 10 he’d recognize the constellation his eyes would land on.

 

Now, though?

 

Lance looked back to the stars in the distance, heart heavy. Back at the Garrison, memories of his family usually helped him through the nights he was too homesick to function. If he still struggled, he’d either hit the town for some distraction or stargaze until he felt home again. Aboard the Castle of Lions he’d been mostly okay with just memories, but they didn’t lessen the ache within him tonight. Since there wasn’t a town for him to hit, that left stargazing.

 

But the stars just weren’t _right_. He didn’t know what he was expecting, really. He was across the universe, too far away from Earth for lightyears to be a suitable measurement of distance. There was no way he would see Aquarius, or Pisces, or Hercules out here.

 

But god, what he would do for just that much.

 

It was kind of pitiful, really. Lance wasn't the only one who missed his family - Pidge was literally searching everywhere she could for her brother and dad. Hunk was also open about how he missed his family, but still pushed through every mission for Voltron despite that. Still, he’d tell stories often about shenanigans he and his brother had gotten into, or how his knowledge of the kitchen all came from his grandma.

Keith was a little more tight-lipped about his family. All he shared was that he had a dad, but from the way he talked about him it seemed like they didn’t spend much time together. Shiro didn't talk about family at all; in fact, the closest thing to family for Shiro was the Holt family, it seemed.

They all carried their longing with… well, grace. Something Lance lacked in pretty much every aspect of himself.

 

And how bitter that fact made him feel. He hated it.

 

\---

**Seas swim with those thoughts of sinking**

\---

 

‘The Blue Paladin of Voltron’. Five words, eight syllables, every single one heavier than he’d ever thought they could be. He was a Leg of Voltron, a Defender of the Universe, one of five people who stood against Zarkon and spread freedom wherever they went. It was such a big image, with a big robot to match. The other four lived up to their respective jobs, carried the weight of this responsibility with strength Lance didn't know if he'd ever truly possess.

The other four paladins were exactly that - true paladins. Brave, smart, humble, selfless. Thinking of everyone else before themselves.

Lance wasn't like them. All he could think of was the blue oceans, the smell of fresh tortillas down the road from his mother's house, Diana's laughter, Diego's smile. Nights spent on the rooftop with Gaby and Isa. Christmas with Andres. Constellations that twinkled in the night sky with their tales. He couldn't focus on Zarkon, or the Galra, or Balmeran crystals or space goo and he felt so _selfish._

_Dirty. Disgusting._

 

\---

**...And the sinking doesn't stop**

\---

 

Lance didn't feel he was worthy of the title, as much as he bragged about it. He was just a homesick boy from Cuba, nothing more.

A tear slipped down, catching Lance off guard. It just made him feel worse. _Pathetic. Why was he crying?!_

But his eyes persisted, and the tears tracked down his face in silence. He missed home. He missed it so much, but he wasn't the only one who did. How selfish could he be?

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

His chest throbbed. He almost started sobbing, but held back. He just wanted home. _He just wanted_ **_home._ **

The Blue Paladin, a big title, but the bearer was such a weak, little thing. So, so weak.

He didn't know how Hunk or Pidge did it. He didn't possess that strength. He didn't measure up.

He didn't, he didn't, he didn't, he didn't...

 

\---

**Drown in it. Hate it.**

**Hate your nothings as you scream them.**

\---

 

...and he wouldn't ever.

So worthless. Such a sad existence.

 

\---

**Swim in these tormented seas**

**Vast oceans of nothing, mirrors of you**

\---

 

Nothing special. Just the funny guy on the team. The guy with no outstanding skills. The most average team member.

 

\---

**Thunderous thoughts will lack mercy**

\---

 

Lance had dealt with emotions like this before, but it'd been such a long time since they'd hit him this hard. The self-loathing wasn't new, but it didn't hurt any less.

It wasn't like the issue was anything major either - they had more important things to worry about.

So, he would sit on his own in silence until breathing didn't hurt anymore.

 

* * *

 

Lance continued going to the observation deck at night, or rather, when most of their group went to sleep. If anyone noticed, they didn't say anything.

While Lance was good at controlling his emotions, the trained eye wasn't fooled by his smile when it didn't fully reach his eyes, or miss how his voice would sometimes take on more of an apathetic tone. Which is why Lance wasn't surprised when Hunk cornered him.

“Dude, I _know_ you. You want to talk about it?” he offered, without even knowing a single thing about what exactly ‘it’ was. Typical Hunk, Lance thought. So caring and gentle.

And of course Lance wanted to talk about it, but he knew it would burden Hunk. Hunk missed his own family, always kept Shay in his thoughts, and was a support system for pretty much everyone else in this castle. He didn't deserve Lance's garbage.

“I'm just a little tired, big guy,” he said, adding a yawn for extra effect. “Some more beauty sleep never hurt anyone.”

“Bull,” Hunk said, fixing Lance with a stern gaze and shocking him. Hunk rarely used words so close to expletives. “I know what that is, Lance,” he continued, “and closing yourself off won't do you any good.” Hunk's gaze softened into a worried frown. “Please, talk to me? I just need to know you're okay, man,” he pleaded.

Lance winced. He shouldn't be making Hunk worry like this. He shouldn't be drawing this attention at all, really. All of them had more important things to worry about.

The look on Hunk’s face told him he wouldn't be satisfied until Lance said _something,_ though.

“I…” Lance began, unsure of what to say. ‘I’m okay’? ‘Don’t worry about it, I’m just tired’? Both?

He let out a sigh. “I’ve just been thinking about the ocean,” he settled for, since it was partially true - but there was so much more than that. He just couldn’t bring himself to say more.

Hunk looked at Lance skeptically for a moment, but took it for what it was worth. “Do you miss swimming? Is that it?”

_No._ “Yeah, something about the salt water just makes me feel…” _soothed. At home._ He struggled to find a word that wouldn’t give away too much. “...good. I miss the feeling, mostly,” he finished, slipping a small smile on his face and hoping what he said was enough for Hunk.

Thankfully, it seemed like it was. “I mean, the pool isn’t salt water, but maybe a swim in it will make you feel better?” Hunk offered, giving a hopeful smile.

Lance couldn’t help but return the smile, even if he didn’t feel particularly hopeful at all - he’d already tried swimming, and it didn’t make him feel much better. Still, the thought was what counted. “Maybe. I’m still really tired though, catch you later?”

“Okay,” the Yellow Paladin replied, and with that, Lance headed straight to his room.

 

**\--**

 

He stared at the ceiling.

Blinked once, twice.

His eyes burned; he was genuinely tired, but sleeping was proving to be a challenge.

A shift, and he was on his side. He closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind.

 

> _Diana giggles. “What did you get for me, big bro?”_

The paladin shuddered. He shouldn’t be thinking about this. He needed to sleep.

 

> _Diana dances around the room, twirling Gaby around with her as Isa tries to teach Diego to dance salsa. He’s failing miserably._

No. Nonononono. Sleep now, reminisce later.

 

> _His mom shushes their laughter from the couch, where she’s watching her novela. Lance apologizes on behalf of his tasmanian devils of siblings, since none of them heard their mom’s warning._

Damn it.

 

> _Lance takes over for Isa. Diego isn’t amused._

No.

 

> _“Why do I gotta learn to dance?”_
> 
> _“Because you’re gonna be a pro by Diana’s quince”_

**No.**

 

> _“But we’re 12!”_
> 
> _“Exactly.”_
> 
> _Diego groans._

He turned to his other side. Stop, stop, stop…

 

> _They all laugh. Their mom yells at them to shut up, the novela’s getting to a good part._

Why?

The boy held in a sob.

 

> _“Mama, which novela is this?”_
> 
> _“The one with the fisherman and the Patron’s daughter,” she answers with a smile. “Wanna watch too?”_
> 
> _Lance nods. This is his mom’s favourite one._
> 
> _After the episode ends, Lance turns to her. “Mama, is this your favourite only because the main guy’s a fisherman like Papa?”_
> 
> _She smiles sheepishly._

Stop...

 

> _“Que Dios me lo bendiga, y que te cuide. Call home often, okay? And don’t get into trouble! I don’t want_ those _kinds of calls from the Garrison.”_

He tried to hold the tears in. He really did.

Lance attempted sleep once more, keeping his eyes closed as he pushed whatever thoughts he could away.

 

He didn’t sleep at all.

 

* * *

 

Lance knew he was a good shot. He’d always been good with his aim, and it was something about himself he could even be proud of.

When he bumped into Keith on the training deck he wasn’t surprised, nodding his direction as a way of saying hello and moving to one end of the room while Keith stayed on the other.

“What brought you here?” asked Keith, walking toward a small control panel on the wall.

Lance gave a shrug. “I just felt like I could use some target practice,” he answered, dropping his jacket off in the corner and grabbing his bayard.

Ignoring how easily the lie came to him, Lance loosened up his shoulder muscles. Truthfully, he needed some distraction; he needed to think about something other than what his family might be doing back on Earth, or just not think at all. The best way was to get his body moving.

 

\---

**Keep afloat, find your anchor**

\---

 

Keith hummed in recognition, tampering with the control panel to put a divider up in between himself and Lance. When Lance sent him a questioning glance, Keith gave him a crooked smile. “I’m fighting with the Gladiator. Wouldn’t want him messing with your training, would we?”

The shorter boy turned so he was facing away from Lance, ending their brief conversation without letting Lance respond. It’s not like Lance would’ve responded anything good, anyway - his mind was failing him in terms of witt. Since when was Keith able to pull one-liners like that?

Lance shook his head, turning away from his fellow paladin as well and giving the room the ‘start’ command. Drones began to appear all around him as he activated his bayard.

He pushed all thoughts away.

 

\---

**Free your Anchor**

\---

 

Lance didn't pay attention to what Keith was doing on the other side of the room; didn't hear anything besides a grunt or two and the repeated clang of Keith's bayard against the Gladiator’s sword. Most of his attention was on the simulation before him, anyway.

Training was going well at first - in fact, it actually made him feel better to duck, dive, and shoot. He was hitting the targets with great precision, too.

But then he started thinking again. It wasn't long until he remembered days on the beach playing soccer, and he could practically hear the waves, feel the breeze-

A laser whizzed right past his nose, barely missing Lance, and the paladin came back to his senses. The drone directly in front of him glowed, about to fire. Lance dodged quickly, relieved when nothing hit him - at least, until he looked up. 15-20 drones circled around him from above, and all of them were getting ready to fire.

Ahh, shit.

The drones picked up more and more speed and he couldn’t focus on one long enough to shoot. He fired 4 or 5 times wildly, but only one of those shots actually hit a drone.

Then the shots at him began. He tried to dodge them, evading most but accidentally letting 3 hit him in the back. The drones instantly stopped, moving back into the walls.

“You okay?” Keith asked, coming up to the barrier.

Lance blinked. Did he just lose his cool? Over _drones_?

“Yeah, I’m good. They caught me off guard s’all” He answered, shaking his head to try and rid himself of his embarrassment. He stood, wiping the sweat from his forehead and getting ready to start the simulation again.

Keith quirked a brow at him. “Looked more like you were distracted. Wanna take a break? I can grab us some water,” he offered, getting rid of the divider.

At that Lance narrowed his eyes at the Red Paladin, suspicious. “You’re being weirdly nice today.”

Keith had already moved to the far side of the room where the doors were, but Lance could still see his frown, clear as day. “And you’re being weirdly quiet,” he retorted. “Can’t I be nice to my teammate every once in awhile?”

Lance didn’t answer, but still let out a small grumble. Keith hmph’d in amusement. “I’ll be back with some water soon,” he said, heading toward the kitchen.

Lance was admittedly thirsty, but that last simulation was seriously going to bug him. He called for the exercise to begin, bayard at the ready.

As he moved he tried to keep his head in the game, but at any given moment he saw the ocean waves, and Diego’s sandcastles. Realising he was missing more shots than he landed, the boy started over.

And again.

And again.

Keith had come back with the water at some point, Lance didn’t really know when exactly, but it seemed the former was okay with watching on the sidelines for now. It was only when Lance failed the 4th time and called for a 5th rematch that he stepped in and ended the training sequence.

“Lance, seriously. Take a break. Drink some water,” he said, handing Lance a water bag.

Lance took it begrudgingly, barely mumbling a ‘thank you’ to Keith. Why couldn't he just focus? Why did he have to keep thinking about Cuba?

Keith, however, misinterpreted Lance’s aloof demeanour. “What’s with you?” Keith asked, irritated. “I’m just trying to help you out here!”

_Great,_ Lance thought, _now there's an angry Keith to top it off._ “Nothing, Mullet. Just trying to get a little better with my bayard,” he covered, shaking his head and taking care to not show how unsettled he was.

“Then choose a training level that’s more suitable” Keith pressed, and Lance narrowed his eyes again.

“More suitable how?” he asked.

“You could lower the difficulty so you can actually get through it,” Keith said.

Lance paused. “What’s wrong with the difficulty it’s at now?” He protested stubbornly. There wasn't anything wrong with the level. Absolutely nothing.

Keith scowled, and something seemed to switch in him. “You’re barely hitting any of the freaking drones, Lance! That means they’re too fast for you, making the difficulty too hard for you. Lower it so you can actually practice instead of flailing hopelessly!”

Lance blinked. Now _that_ rubbed him the wrong way. “Is that all you think I’m doing? Fooling around?” He seethed.

Keith’s scowl deepened. “What am I supposed to think, after seeing that? You can’t even focus on what you’re doing!” He yelled.

Lance let out a gasp. That one stung. “I’m trying!” Lance defended.

“Well, that’s a funny way of showing it, genius,” Keith said, volume dropping but his tone never losing its edge.

For some reason, that just made Lance’s anger rise infinitely more. “You think you can do it better, Dropout?!” He yelled.

“Maybe not,” Keith answered, “but at least I own up to not being able to do something.”

Lance stopped, eyes widening. Did Keith just insinuate Lance couldn't shoot? Did he just say he was better than Lance?

Lance stepped back. Keith just said that. He…

_Not being able to do it,_ he said.

_A failure,_ his mind supplied.

Keith, the star fighter pilot of the Garrison, the student who could do practically anything, the person Lance already knew was better than him in pretty much every way, had just said Lance couldn't shoot.

Of course he knew he couldn’t do everything, but he knew he could do _this._ He was supposed to be good at _this,_ at least. Was he wrong?

He was here, in the training room with Keith, arguing and trying to prove that he was good at something he was supposed to specialize in. He was supposed to be the team’s sharpshooter. Was he really that wrong? Was he really such a failure?

He had to be, but he didn’t want to be. This was the level he was at, and he knew he could do it… or at least, he thought he did.

Keith didn’t notice Lance’s inner turmoil. Instead, he moved to grab his water from the corner. As far as he was concerned, his point went across. “Are you gonna try again?” He asked.

Lance wasn’t up for training anymore. A point had definitely gotten across to him - just not the intended one. He went to grab his jacket and wordlessly walked out of the room.

 

\---

**Lose your Anchor**

**And Open Seas await you**

\---

 

* * *

 

_Pathetic. Stupid. Deadweight. Weak._

He looked up at the stars, pulling his blanket tighter around his shoulders but still felt numb.

Beautiful, twinkling stars blinked at him, dancing in unfamiliar shapes that would normally have him curious. Unfortunately, he wasn't feeling much like his normal self.

 

> _“Look, Lance! There’s Aquarius!”_

His chest burned and pressure built up behind his eyes. Why did he have to think about it now?

 

> _“What’s special about Aquarius?”_

Everything. Nothing. It was just a cluster of stars, but he’d give anything to see it just once, and he knew in his mind that that was just him being Classic Dramatic Lance and he needed to get over it-

  
  


 

 

 

A tear rolled down his cheek.

  
  


 

 

 

It filled him with more disgust than he ever thought he could feel.

  
  


 

 

He was supposed to be strong, reliable, someone who could be worthy of the Blue Lion. Yet here he was, a child, sat on the floor, wrapped in a blanket. A sorry excuse of a boy who couldn’t even shoot right and cried over the fact that he couldn’t see Pyxis, or Ursa Major, or Cygnus, or _god damn Aquarius_. He hated that the stars always made him feel closer to home but now only reminded him he was anywhere but. He hated that he wanted to hate the stars. He hated that he was so weak he blamed them for his own incompetence.

The guilt already began to eat at him. What would Andres think, if he saw him now? Would he be disappointed?

_No,_ he thought, that wasn’t fair to Andres. That was his own mind being stupid.

He was so, so stupid. This was such a minor thing, but he was so self-centred and selfish that he couldn’t get his mind off it, despite knowing he wasn’t the only one missing Earth.

How shameful. He hated his mind more than he could put into words.

The tears dried, leaving him only bitter and numb. He pulled the blanket tighter, directing his head up toward the offending, innocent stars but not truly seeing them; no, he was only thinking on how he needed to get his act together, or have a repeat of the training deck.

God, he felt like an idiot, storming out like a 12-year-old. If the team didn’t already think of him as their weakest link, they definitely would if he kept throwing these tantrums.

Time passed, Lance wasn’t sure how much. However long it was, he spent it all looking into space, but a sudden knock by the open doorway had him out of his daze instantly. Lance turned to look at his new companion, thankful for the dark of the room.

Coran stood at the door, holding a box filled with… Lance wasn’t sure, actually. He couldn’t really see.

“Lance? What are you doing up? You should be sleeping,” Coran said.

Lance huffed, a small smile forming on his face. “I couldn’t sleep, so I came up here to pass the time. What’s in the box?”

“I’ll show all you Paladins in the morning,” he answered, smiling and giving a wink. “A little surprise to- you know what? I won’t spoil it.”

“Aw, where’s the fun in tha-” Lance’s voice chirped a little higher than normal on ‘that’, and Lance realized with horror that his voice had just cracked. A direct result of his emotion from earlier, no doubt. He could feel the warmth flooding into his face.

Not that Coran would’ve seen his embarrassing blush, anyway, but still. He would’ve loved it if the castle floor just opened up beneath him right then and there.

Coran blinked for a few seconds, before bursting into laughter. “What was that?” He asked, holding the box with one hand and clutching his stomach with the other.

Lance crossed his arms, too flustered to risk saying anything. “A voice crack,” he mumbled a minute later.

Coran’s advanced hearing apparently didn’t pick it up. “A what?” He asked, wiping away a tear.

Lance grumbled a little more before clearing his throat. “A voice crack,” he said, a little louder this time.

Coran was still chuckling, but he’d sobered enough to inquire a little more. “Why does your voice have cracks in it?” He asked, a little concerned but still very amused.

Lance winced. That sounded painful (and he internally thanked the universe it didn’t exist). “No, no, Coran, my vocal chords don’t actually have cracks, or, anything, I guess…?” He trailed off, before shaking his head. “Whatever. Doesn’t matter, my voice is fine. It’s just a term.”

At that, Coran relaxed. “Do all Earthlings have these ‘voice cracks’?”

“Earthlings my age usually do, but Earthlings Shiro’s age and up don’t usually get them,” he answered, forgetting his shame for a moment and smiling at the thought of Hunk or Keith getting voice cracks. Or Pidge. He’d love to get those on camera.

Coran seemed delighted by the info. Apparently he was thinking along the same lines.

“Well anyway, I’m off. Off to bed with you, Lance,” Coran said while walking away.

Lance couldn’t help but smile after the Altean. “Goodnight, Coran,” he called, getting up from his spot on the floor, but hesitating to move.

Would he be able to sleep?

He sighed, all elevation to his mood from his conversation with Coran leaving him. He didn’t want to go back to his room. Not yet.

He looked back to the lonely stars, a feeling of general shitty-ness settling in his stomach. He didn’t want to stay, either.

Maybe he could hang out with Blue?

 

**\--**

 

A short walk later and the boy was with his lion. As soon as Lance entered the hangar he felt Blue perk up through their connection. _You’re hurting,_ she said.

There was no use hiding it. “A little, yeah.”

She seemed discontent with that answer. She wanted him to admit the truth to her even if she already knew it, he realized.

He came forward, hugging one of Blue’s claws. “Okay,” he whispered, even if he didn’t have to. “I’m hurting.”

Blue purred, pouring as much love and support as she could into their bond, and Lance couldn’t handle it. A dam broke inside him, and tears started rolling almost immediately.

Blue lowered her head to let her paladin in, an offer Lance didn’t refuse.

Sitting in the pilot chair, Lance felt Blue envelop him in a protective warmth as he let himself cry.

Blue was there for him. She didn’t care that he was weak. She didn’t care that he was selfish, vain, or a failure. She had him. She chose him. It lessened his ache enough that breathing was finally a little easier.

Lance would never truly be alone as long as he had Blue. He loved it, but he felt so unworthy, so undeserving. But still, Blue wanted him as her paladin.

After at least a half hour of choked, gross crying, he thanked Blue, running a hand across the dashboard. She hummed in acceptance, but he could still feel she was worried about him.

_Tell them,_ she said.

 

\---

**Do** **_not_ ** **let this sea become open for others.**

**There is no anchor here  ...**

**Only you.**

~~**(And you are nothing)** ~~

\---

 

“I can’t,” he said. “We’ve got bigger problems.”

She almost growled, but instead channelled her disapproval of that answer straight to her paladin. _But you’re important,_ she insisted.

He took a shuddering breath. “It’s okay, Blue. I’ll be okay soon,” he reassured her, knowing his words to be true even if he didn’t feel like he was telling the truth.

Blue only continued to worry, and she definitely still wanted him to tell the other paladins, but their bond told him she trusted him. She believed in him.

He left the hangar after what felt like hours. He didn’t want to.

 

\---

**Ebb and Flow**

**Push and Pull**

**Back and Forth**

**Endlessly.**

\---

 

Laying down in his bed, even though he knew he would always have Blue, he still felt heavy. Unworthy. All those gross words.

 

\---

**The Depths of your despair await**

**For you to sink down**

\---

 

There wasn’t much he could do about it. He would just have to take it day by day until he could breathe easy on his own again.

 

\---

**(they wait for you to sink and drown)**

\---

 

They had bigger problems. The hurt wouldn’t last forever. He would be okay.

 

\---

**Down until the sinking stops,**

**Until the sinking stops.**

\---

 

He would be okay.

 

\---

**But the sinking** **_never_ ** **stops.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And down the rabbit hole we went ＼(*T▽T*)／
> 
> Like I said, the wait for ch3 will be longer but hold tight friends!

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr @thelovelylunareclipse (my main blog) or @mc-claimed (voltron sideblog) !!! :)


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